That question Kevin asked me a couple of years ago has been stuck in my head during all these time: what about your own heritage? I remember myself saying things like ‘I don’t know too much about it’ and ‘one day I’ll be on my way searching for my own heritage’.

So now, it’s a start, the beginning of me searching and learning of my own heritage.

I always liked summarizing the year and making new plans for the next 12 months. It feels like I could somehow leave the past behind and move on.

For some unknown reasons, the scene at Beijing airport two and a half yrs ago kept being replayed in my head over and over again recently. It was that split second when you turned around and had to leave to catch your flight home. I remember myself stood there, watched you walking further and further away from me until I couldn’t spot you in the crowd.

I can’t remember what was going through my mind at that moment, perhaps a bit sad, yet still hopeful because I knew I would see you in 2 years time at my graduation. It was a date, our date; it WAS.

I think the next time we say goodbye and possibly the very last time, I’ll be the first one to turn around, walk away and never look back, so I won’t have to watch you disappear into the crowd again. I’ve had enough of that scene replayed.

And for next year, in fact, for the next few years, I’ll work on being a better and happier me. Hopefully I’ll be able to find some peace and happiness.

Quote of the day:

” Love is a beautifully designed lie.”

That sounds about right, sadly.

I’m glad we had time to talk some things through, so at least I know we’ll still be friends after all these ‘benefits’.

I’m still trying to figure out what this whole thing is. It kind of bothers me a little. I do like you, no doubt about that, but it’s completely different from what I had for J (well, the other J) a few months ago. The thing I had for the other J, I’d call it a big crush, like one of those we all had while in high school. So this thing with you, Mr Loh, I have no idea what it is.

Maybe because you are leaving and I’ll probably get to see you once or twice before you leave, I told my heart to stop falling for you. I know you can never be mine, in fact, I don’t even know when and where we can see each other next.

You have a heart of gold and I love you for that. I think I’m pretty damn lucky to even get to spend all these time with you alone. They sure will be some of the most treasured memories in my life.

Life sometimes surprises us. The biggest surprise fate brought to me, is you.

I’ve never thought I’d ever meet someone who’s almost a cloned me. We think the same, have the same opinions on life, similar general interests and we even say the exact same thing sometimes.

So I guess it’s gonna be sad when you are leaving in about 6 weeks. But I guess we both appreciate the fact we’ve met each other, we’ll make sure we will never lose our “matching weird”.

Thanks to Friday, I saw the very caring side of you and you took good care of me when I wasn’t quite myself. I’d love to see the day you find your Miss Right who can make you happier and explore the world with you.

I wish we can stay friends for life so we can keep discussing which brands make great men’s pants.

Thank you Mr Loh, simply for being in my life.

I’ve always said for some weird reasons, DT’s albums seem to reflect how I felt at the time of their release. Well, his most recently one seemed like he’s lost the plot or something ( just like me), it wasn’t great enough for my liking. So I went back to his old songs when he wrote about searching for love and enjoying life.

For some rather strange reasons, it’s kind of where I am right now: back to the start, searching for love. Strangely appropriate.

I wonder how much love is enough to make the other half feel being loved. According to him, I never loved him enough, never ever; so that means he always loved me more than I loved him.

But just how the hell would one measure how much love is enough? Or is there some kind of love measuring tool that I haven’t yet heard of?

Or is it measured against how much one would sacrifice for the relationship? If that’s the case, I believe if one has to sacrifice or to alter himself/herself to an almost-beyond-recognition state, then the relationship is clearly not working and the other half is obviously in love with some sort of fantasied character.

I think there was a moment when I realized perhaps he just loved the idea of having someone like me and the love of this idea overcame all the difficulties in the relationship. He’s in love of the idea, not quite the person, I.e me.

I have to admit I absolutely worshipped him for quite a long period of time. He was the one person I’d come to when I have questions, he was my best friend, my family. And that bond we had somehow kept things balanced, until the day I realized he’s not all that great, until the day I realized I’m strong enough to face the world alone and have grown so much but he’s still pretty much where he was, I stopped looking up to him, so the balance is destroyed.

I still think those were the years I poured my heart out and tried my best to hold on to a relationship that was almost impossible to hold on to, but sadly all that turned out to be not enough.

Now, starting all over again, I think I’d rather choose to love myself a bit more, so if I fail to love someone enough again, at least I won’t feel like such a big failure.

I’ve always imagined my home will be where you are; It’ll be where we are. You, and me.

Now, I’ve lost you, so I’ve lost the concept of home, and perhaps I’ve lost part of me.

Until I found someone again, which could well be ‘never’, I’m in this world, alone.

I get the fact work is important, because that’s the financial source for most of us. But to have someone’s life evolve around work, that I can’t comprehend.

Yes, we spend a lot of time working, but that doesn’t make it the priority of our lives. If one is totally defined by his work, I reckon that’s pretty sad.

I guess it only made me realize we have different values. Not to mention the fashion taste, I don’t even want to go there.

Something’s changed in me. I don’t look at you the same way any more, which is probably a good thing. I grew up surrounded by workaholics and control freaks, I don’t need another one in my adult life.

But having said all that, it’s great to see you starting your own practice and doing great.

Now I’m gonna go and enjoy my less ambitious life.

Hope I can wake up to a better day tomorrow.