How much love is enough?

I wonder how much love is enough to make the other half feel being loved. According to him, I never loved him enough, never ever; so that means he always loved me more than I loved him.

But just how the hell would one measure how much love is enough? Or is there some kind of love measuring tool that I haven’t yet heard of?

Or is it measured against how much one would sacrifice for the relationship? If that’s the case, I believe if one has to sacrifice or to alter himself/herself to an almost-beyond-recognition state, then the relationship is clearly not working and the other half is obviously in love with some sort of fantasied character.

I think there was a moment when I realized perhaps he just loved the idea of having someone like me and the love of this idea overcame all the difficulties in the relationship. He’s in love of the idea, not quite the person, I.e me.

I have to admit I absolutely worshipped him for quite a long period of time. He was the one person I’d come to when I have questions, he was my best friend, my family. And that bond we had somehow kept things balanced, until the day I realized he’s not all that great, until the day I realized I’m strong enough to face the world alone and have grown so much but he’s still pretty much where he was, I stopped looking up to him, so the balance is destroyed.

I still think those were the years I poured my heart out and tried my best to hold on to a relationship that was almost impossible to hold on to, but sadly all that turned out to be not enough.

Now, starting all over again, I think I’d rather choose to love myself a bit more, so if I fail to love someone enough again, at least I won’t feel like such a big failure.

Home

This is what I wanted to write on that wall at the “there’s no place like it” installation:

I’ve always imagined my home will be where you are; It’ll be where we are. You, and me.

Now, I’ve lost you, so I’ve lost the concept of home, and perhaps I’ve lost part of me.

Until I found someone again, which could well be ‘never’, I’m in this world, alone.

J

So, new discovery: the majority of male population would consider work as the most important thing in their lives.Ok, it’s my new theory, but it seems to be applicable to all males around me.

I get the fact work is important, because that’s the financial source for most of us. But to have someone’s life evolve around work, that I can’t comprehend.

Yes, we spend a lot of time working, but that doesn’t make it the priority of our lives. If one is totally defined by his work, I reckon that’s pretty sad.

I guess it only made me realize we have different values. Not to mention the fashion taste, I don’t even want to go there.

Something’s changed in me. I don’t look at you the same way any more, which is probably a good thing. I grew up surrounded by workaholics and control freaks, I don’t need another one in my adult life.

But having said all that, it’s great to see you starting your own practice and doing great.

Now I’m gonna go and enjoy my less ambitious life.

Bad day

What a day it has been. Sighhhh. My worst nightmare: working with disorganized, arrogant dickheads! There was a moment when I wish I could pull a gun out of my pocket and just shoot those retards. I think I kinda get why random shooting happens.

Hope I can wake up to a better day tomorrow.

My big day

So, I did it. Despite all the dramas I had a few days back, I did it, celebrated my big day, without you.

I did however imagined how it’d be like if you were here, how it’d be like standing next to you with my proud smile.I guess it’d probably make me slightly more happier.

Don’t know how to describe how I’m feeling right now, a bit of everything but still feeling empty. Controversial. But i do feel empty.

Falling apart

I’m not entirely sure what it is, it may well be a weird hormone cycle I’m going through right now, but being this emotional? Never ever happened in my life!

It felt like there has been a building-up of mixed emotions and as the big day approaches, it’s about to explode.

Now I’m not even sure if I could go through that 2 hour ceremony without some major break-downs. And the end-of-year trip really seems to be a nightmare to me. I don’t think I can do it.

Maybe I need some counseling, or some hardcore drinking may just do the trick.

I think I am falling apart.

遇见

“一生至少该有一次 ，为了某个人而忘了自己 ，不求有结果 ，不求同行 ，不求曾经拥有 ，甚至不求你爱我 ，只求在我最美的年华里 ，遇到你 .”

几天前在网上看到有人引用徐志摩的这首诗。很久以前读过的，只是那时候太年轻，所谓的爱也不过是朦胧的喜欢而已。单纯的喜欢诗里描写的境界，幻想着有一天可以遇到那个可以让我爱他到忘了自己的那个人。

多年以后才知道，抛开他的才华不说，作为一个男人，徐志摩做了那许多让人唾弃的龌磋事情，而我的那个可以让我忘记自己去爱着的人也变得遥远而陌生。

或许我该庆幸，毕竟我知道你也爱过我，知道自己曾经的不顾一切并不只是一厢情愿。

我不知道是不是遇到你的时机不对，也或者我们注定不能一起变老。遇到你的时候，我还太年轻，可是如果现在遇到你的话，我不知道自己还能不能像十几岁的时候那么不计后果。

也许，如果我早出生几年，或者，如果我从来没决定出国。我们之间需要太多的如果。所以，我们只是＂遇见＂，我们只是各自生命中的一个重要的过客。